[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Dune (2021)
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.