Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…