@64spoons

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

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@Ygrene

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@slimmy_shady

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

@MooseAllain

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3

@CantWaitToNap

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

@TheHyyyype

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…