Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Become ungovernable.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.