You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.