call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.