Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

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If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you


Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”


Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.


Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.


Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…


I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*