Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Who’s your best friend?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.