Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Cause of death: Zumba
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
ugh not again
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
unbelievably distressed by this ad