@goodballs

Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.

You Might Also Like

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@iGreenMonk

To Do List :
1: Buy 4 Pigs
2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs
3: Release them in Wal-Mart
4: Sit back watch Security search for #4

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

@broken_rhi

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

@aotakeo

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@Aspersioncast

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.