My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level