@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

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@Nikkeya08

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

@

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@BeCoco77

I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person

@nyquills

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@VestaTot

There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.