Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉