@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

You Might Also Like

@jellybnbonanza

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

@Godhatespants

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

@Arteymis

No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.

@JumbledButts

STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”

@QwertyJones3

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

@HelloCullen

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@thenatewolf

*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?

THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!

@anerdonfire2

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left