Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.