I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”
ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”
S: “No we watch stars.”
M: “Wars or Trek?”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*showing mom how to use her phone*
What’s the blue button with the bird?
THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left