*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Alexa , did scaramouche ,scaramouche ever do the fandango ?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!