@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

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@3sunzzz

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

@Vice_Queen

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

@kieransofar

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@PinkCamoTO

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

@Contwixt

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case