Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.