Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol
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My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind
Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.