Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Oh my god
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
put ‘er there pardner!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.