@justinbieber

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol

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@LuvPug

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

@bornmiserable

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

@ArfMeasures

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

@ozzyunc

Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

@thefosterer

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

@CyrusOMerican

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

@elvisknievil

My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.