someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
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We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Cheer up.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.