Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“i am a sweet baby”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.