Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??