Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

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*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.


Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!


I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting


Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.


I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.


Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”


Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.


So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?