Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
what could possibly go wrong?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: