Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
do horses think humans are hats
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it