Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

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Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.


A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free


Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone


I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.


Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop


My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.


Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.


“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards