@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

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@man_spach

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

@dadtellsjokes

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

@rachelle_mandik

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

@Brettagher

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@CatsVsHumanity

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

@RunOldMan

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

@SardonicTart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@Lisabug74

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards