@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

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@juliussharpe

Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

@Canadian_Cutie_

First date

*dont let him know you been stalking him

Him- so my brother just got deployed

Me: Josh or Brian?

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

@PrisonCookies

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker