Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Happy Thanksgiving
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.