Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer