Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me