Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments