Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Knock Knock
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny