@simoncholland

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

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@vladyhh

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

@_CremDelaEm

He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.

Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@adamgreattweet

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.

@robdelaney

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.