tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Netflix: are you still watching?
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.
Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.