A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
“Thanks I feel better.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*gets eaten by a shark*
At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations