Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”


Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”


COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs


HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”


I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.


*gets eaten by a shark*

At funeral: “She died doing what she loved…*sob*…feeding the animals.”


I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations