Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
live, laugh, laundry.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: