@BisHilarious

Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again

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@tiemoose

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

@mishakey

I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.

@Donna_McCoy

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@Lisabug74

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

@Mr_Kapowski

With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

@FU_TangClan

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails