@mrjohntofu

Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.

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@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@Blarebare

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

@thenatewolf

*a man runs into the bar*

“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”

*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

@abbygov

cat owners be like “if he bites you or scratches you or murders your mom in front of you and watches the tears stream down your face as the life slowly departs her cold dead body it means he loves you”

@English_Channel

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@KentWGraham

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

@Browtweaten

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

@botandy

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.