Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.

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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.


[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?


If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.


Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.


Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck


For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?


Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?