Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.
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HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– vibe killer
Saying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.
Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?