If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Challenge accepted.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
They got Raph!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.