[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Herpes is trending, good job people
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton