called in thicc to work this morning
You Might Also Like
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Fights fire with marshmallows