Called it
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
🛁
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice