Called it
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
In space, no one can hear…
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly