@benmekler

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

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@sonictyrant

Me: [holds up bazooka]

Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting

[across the field]

Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]

@causticbob

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

@LADaddy

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

@alyssalimp

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

@BonaFideIntent

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@meowkenxing

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream