Me: [holds up bazooka]
Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting
[across the field]
Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream