A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldnât have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I donât know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say âlook how long my hair is gettingâ
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: thatâs not what I said
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
The real reason evolution started..đ
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
âCleanâ my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
âI just love a man in uniformâ
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was âbeautiful.â UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.