Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol