My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
How your email finds me
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be