[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.
Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??
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Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.
– Food in my refrigerator.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!
Very funny Mom!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is