I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.
Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.