@lildandeli0n

Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??

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@SortaBad

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@kelkulus

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

@LorieGZ

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@Buffalojilll

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

@sock_holliday

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is