@lildandeli0n

Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??

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@Cpin42

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

@Deirdreocx

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

@tastefactory

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

@jazmasta

Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.