Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”