@HenpeckedHal

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

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@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

@suziqkelley

The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

@AshleyFrankly

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@UnFitz

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

@GrantTanaka

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.