I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Calling a girl “honey” is ok.
Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.
I’m a relationship expert.
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
French child going down a slide: yyyeeeeesss
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.