@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

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@Grommit56

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

@DanMentos

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

@cepheusjackson

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@JeffMyspace

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

@OutOfLeftField_

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

@WorkingMom86

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

@rogerbellin

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

@mommajessiec

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?