[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I have a black belt in leather
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”