calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Basketball
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?