@danadonly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

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@dankashane20

Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.

@The_Grant_Boldt

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@LostCatDog

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

@thedad

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

@ClichedOut

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.