Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.
calling a guy “my ex”
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend
calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-but makes me look pathetic
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Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”
[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
Me:That’ll be the zoo.