Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.