Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .