Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.