friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
So, my parents did NOT appreciate their Yelp review.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down