@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

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@dave_cactus

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

@vincevangone

I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.

@bea_ker

Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.