Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
You Might Also Like
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?