@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

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@TheHyyyype

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@_ElvishPresley_

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@NateMorrising

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

@Brentweets

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

@UnFitz

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

@dog_feelings

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

@AbbieEvansXO

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

@mostlysharks

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down