HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue