[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.