*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk