@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

You Might Also Like

@CatsVsHumanity

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

@Megatronic13

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

@MrAdamBez

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.

@capnwatsisname

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

@squirrel74wkgn

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

@ShittingtonUK

Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.

@dulcetry

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

@mishacollins

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”