Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

*gets down on one knee*

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

roses are red
i fall when i skate

I want to meet the individual who made this

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

be safe out there!

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

lost dog

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?