[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits