@canadian_egg
When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.
@caithuls
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
You Might Also Like
@canadian_egg
@HughGoesThere
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
@IamEveryDayPpl
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
@chill_yoopill
*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .
@XplodingUnicorn
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
@texasstalkermom
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
@HFromTheNam
Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
Me:-“Why”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.
@Home_Halfway
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.
@LuvPug
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
@fro_vo
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: heβs my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go