When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go