@caithuls

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

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@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@HughGoesThere

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@chill_yoopill

*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .

@XplodingUnicorn

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

@texasstalkermom

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@Home_Halfway

Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.

@LuvPug

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

@fro_vo

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go